Embattled

People look and see a “good” mom or “good” kids and think that life is not messy.  They don’t realize that there is no support system.  That mom is alone, and facing an angry, hurt teenage boy- alone.  That his anger has caused physical pain, emotional pain, spiritual pain, and the constant attacks when he is feeling like he is hurting is relentless and takes it’s toll on the relationship.  As a parent who loves her child, it’s easy to make excuses, cover it up, try to soothe the savage beast that surges up… but it is not helping.  It permits the behaviors in all reality.  It does more damage than good.

Recently, I was given a post without explanation, or note that this was a funny but mean thing to find on the internet… not meant for me… without all of that explaining it and was hurt.  My son sent me a Facebook meme about a sleeping bag “c***” with a condom and it read “now you can sleep where you belong and should have been in the first place, you’re worthless”.  A bunch of random people I do not know were tagged on the actual photo- I was not one- but the simple fact that this was sent to me is extremely disturbing.  This was sent on my son’s 17th birthday morning at 3:40 am after I woke up to find him awake and dressed and trying to go “turn up” because he “felt like it” and “its his birthday”.  I did some talking, and he wound up staying home.  His girlfriend was here too, I don’t know why he would want to leave her at that time of night either.

Either my son feels so badly about himself he wishes I wasn’t alive because he does not want to be, or he really hates me.  The 20 or so holes I have in walls, doors, and closets demonstrate a raging anger and unhappiness at the very least.

He keeps himself in check 98% of the time when his siblings are around.  His father abandoned him to me, full time, and does not want anything to do with him at all- ever.  My son is on disability, and has had problems with the law and mental health.  People in my circle tell me to “kick him out” and say such horrid things about him.  They don’t seem to get that he is very sick and will not survive on his own.  His father abandoned him.  If I do the same, that will damage him deeper than he already is.

I do not think I am ready to give up, even though I am losing this battle.  I do not think that evil has won over good, or won over love.  Do I hate the things my son says and does?  Yes.  But is it because this is how he feels about me?? Or is it telling of something deeper and much sadder?

I say the latter. Why?  Because the day before his birthday he was all hugs and kisses and loving.  As soon as it became his birthday, he realized his father is not going to take him out to eat and drop him back with a shopping bag full of “stuff”.  That I am struggling at the moment and cannot afford to do much for him because of my financial situation, and really he is hurting and angry and self-hating.  It is not about me.  He lashes out at doors and walls, and verbally because he projects what he feels inside about himself.

He grew up with a father who told him he was worthless, going to fail at everything he does, and wont be anything in life.  He has been severely hurt, and rejected and abused by the one person who was supposed to help him grow up and be a good man.  I am a woman, I can do so much.  I cannot take away all his pain or all the damage, but I can love him through it.

My son denies he has mental health issues.  He denies that there is anything “wrong” with him.  He has high goals for himself.  He struggles but he does try most of the time.  I feel him giving up.  Saying things like he does not want to be here, or he wants to be locked up for a few years because it will “help” him be better and not do stupid things.  That his dad was right.  It is awful to hear your own child hate himself so much.  How do you fix that?!  I praise him when he is doing right and well.  I give affirmations.  Daily affection.  Expectations.  When he is not doing well, I point out what I like about how he handled the event, and we talk about options on what he could do next time.  Therapy, he says does not help him.  There are court papers that need to happen so I can enroll him in a different-male- therapist. It is really a mess.  I have been given a kid, with essentially no rights to do anything outside of his father’s permission.  No financial assistance for him. His disability goes to his dad.  I pay child support to his dad,  yet I have had him for over a year.  I lost my son in 2007 due to being in an abusive relationship, being refused a ride to court, and my attorney having a heart attack and quadruple by-pass – so it was a default and undefended order.  I should note here we had been in court for seven straight years- every three months- and I won. Really, my son’s best interests won… but what I asked for- won.  It wasn’t until that fateful day in 2007 where by default I lost everything except my parental rights being terminated.  Those were still in tact.  Now, were ten years later, and I lack the ability and the authority to help my son. I have paperwork ready to file, and am finally able to do so next week.  I have to be quick as his dad plans on leaving the state.

I am absolutely devastated about his father.  Yes, my son’s behaviors and mental health is tiring.  Yes, he needs constant supervision and redirection or he will find himself in trouble.  Yes, he can be cruel and disrespectful.  Is it personal, nope.  It is about how he feels about himself, and he is projecting his fears, hurts, and anger on those closest to him.  He feels helpless to change what has happened.

I love my son. I don’t have to love his behavior, or how he treats me or his sisters sometimes (annoying big brother)… but I love him.  I see his generous and loving heart when he is not having an “episode”.  Will he change?  Maybe. Maybe not.  But what i want is him to learn skills, to cope, better than what he has now.

It would have been so easy for me to rant and rave and rally my readers into hating my son, or being angry with him, or having them jump on the bandwagon of “kick him out”… but what really is there- is a scared, hurt, abandoned boy who is confused, and feeling low about himself and hurting over rejection and angry- rightfully so- and reacting out of anger and rejection is not the answer.

This is always a reminder to love yourselves and one another, be kind to each other, you never know what someone else is enduring, and you never know what led them there. xoxoxoxoxox

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Evolution

I am sitting here thinking, I have not written in a while.  Honestly, there has been so much going on, I have felt overwhelmed and unable to write.  But then my mom died.  My best friend. The one person I talked to every day, multiple times per day.  My connection to family, groundedness, and a large piece of my roots.  Suddenly, all I am enduring seems less than significant.

Nothing in my life, my near death experiences, or the childhood trauma and abuse, or the abuse and pain as an adult, or even the hardships and challenges I presently am afflicted with- NONE of it can compare to the pain and the hole that exists because she is gone.

Many things stood out with me regarding my mom.  The very same things others found in her- her warmth, her smile, her love- the way she walked that love daily, and that she was an angel in other peoples lives.

This must be where I get the desire to live a life in service to others.  My jobs have never been glamorous, and many times they have put me in danger because- lets face it- some of my clients are dangerous people and unpredictable… but somewhere in the looming cloud of fate and pain of other people- there is beauty.

It takes nothing to love.  Loving may not come easy to everyone, but to me, I love many- while loving many not the same.  I can love as a friend, as family, as romantic love, as community/ brotherly love… but first I must accept and love myself.  Where I have been.  This overcoming I have had in my life, would have been a different story had my mom not adopted me when she did.  She knew I was destined for greater things than being disowned, and cast aside.

My story needs to be told.  I am writing a book.  Someone, somewhere will read this and connect, and laugh, and cry, and will know they are loved- by a stranger- but loved none the less and they are not alone.  People existing in constant tragedy exude a sense of vulnerability and hopelessness that is a beacon both for angels and demons.  Angels will help, love, care for, and attend to those in “need”… demons- well they will prey upon that eaux d’ vulnerable and hopelessness.  Some because they want to take from you, and others because they feed of the energy and hope that this scent they smell all over you can be manipulated toward the ultimate tragedy and they can reap the waves of sympathy from people sad for those who lost someone.

I have a fan on my LinkedIn page, who calls me an angel.  He says wonderful things to the point that it gets a little awkward- still I thank him and remind him there are an army of people like me who love diving into trenches headlong and some of us actually lose appendages as a result.

I am no better than anyone else, nor is anyone else any better than I am.

I say that because we all are in this matrix of our own choosing.  Some with religious definitions, others with “universe” as the guiding force, and some who believe divinity within… but we are where we are supposed to be at every point in our lives.  It is like those books some of  you may have read- where you turn to a certain page to see how it ends and it gives a couple of alternate endings depending on what you want to see happen.  Our lives are planned only as far as choice, and then the story keeps being written.

I don’t know what the future holds.  I know what I want it to hold and I am determined to make choices to take my ship in that direction- but I will no longer anchor to the past that formed me, I am already whole. Do I have existing pain?  yes. Pain fades and disappears. I am okay with that. W.E. Henley wrote a poem called Invictus.  My brother is the first person who recited this to me and it became a sort of motto for my life… my own anthem to move through and take the reigns when ever possible.  I say when ever possible because sometimes, it is entirely appropriate and well needed to allow someone else to control things… however, we all have our limits and we have codes we live by… if these are crossed we must then reassume control over things.

I am sad.  I want very much for my family to stay in tact after my mom’s death and for me to continue to feel as connected to my family as I did when she was alive.  Will this happen, yes. In time.  We are all growing at our own paces.  Sometimes growth hurts and at times makes us deaf, dumb and blind… but when all the faculties are resumed as we once knew them… we have moved and made great strides, even if only inches.

Change is feared, but growth is mandatory.  I love you guys!! take care of one another and be good to yourselves! xoxoxoxox

 

Support a friend

I have a friend/ source who is enduring a really tough time.  Now the scumbag who has harassed her since she left the abusive relationship she was in back in 2013 has made years of obscene posts, identity theft posts, and now minced and altered court documents and posted on line- one on a site here: martyfrank.wordpress.com-

She was told by law enforcement to post a blog in third person to begin to change the results that come up in searches and at least if people find the horrible things and lies said about her, at least they would have access to the truth/ her side.  annamarieaura.wordpress.com

Unfortunately, wordpress will not disclose to this young lady the author’s information to prove it is the person who she has an order for protection on, they are protecting him. Further he has taken to several other megashare databases and is posting “public warnings” which are causing her to be not considered for jobs, and could result in her losing many things in her life.  He just will not stop.  The law is doing all they can, but in actuality, there is not much that can be done because its over the internet.  One such site she is dealing with the removal of is annamarieaura.netau.net

This site has reference to three orders, which are minced, altered and made to look at surface as being she is a horrible person.

I have connected with this young lady as well as many of my colleagues have done the same to sort of search out what is happening and why.  I have verified all of her employment history on her resume, which is verified and correct.  I have verified her education and certificate trainings, which are all verified and correctly noted.  She has not been fired for any of the reasons outlined on the slander site.  She was fired once- and that was because the hours she needed to be available she could not be available due to her children.  This was also verified by that employer that they would hire her back, and they liked her, she was good at her position, but the hours and her children’s needs were priority for her.

I have also attempted to contact the father’s involved in the custody orders.  They verify that the person she was involved with was someone who stirred the pot, and instigated things.  He also created more problems for her and is a number one reason the order in Ramsey County from 2007 was default.  I hope my readers here understand that a default order is legal fact, but by no means is truth.  Case-in-point the over 600,000 known innocent people in prison today who are awaiting re-trials and release from prison- this was televised by national news coverage.

Another order addresses Dakota County, I was able to get in touch with someone from that court who verified that this too was a default order, and that this young lady wrote the judge and told him she was never given any notice of a hearing. A new hearing with very different evidence, results, and order was then ordered in 2009.  Yet this person, content on ruining her, for his ego, or “anger” as he admitted to posting things online in court documents in January 2014.  So, the court order that is being presented publicly is not the order that was actually final for the case.  Yes.  You heard right, the one that is posted was vacated. Yet is being used to harm this young lady.  All because she left an abusive man!

The third order, which I have a source in Goodhue County Court, told me that there were certain statements made based upon the 2007 DEFAULT order and something presented on the newest website from when she was 15 years old causing him to state she “has a casual acquaintance with the truth” as a result of what was presented.  He also stated that the person she has an order for protection with was going for SOLE custody, brought six “witnesses” in, and had an attorney that represented both the Ramsey County case, and the Dakota County case- both unrelated to this case and person.  Thus, the information that was tied in was old.

Further, her witnesses on the coldest day in MN that year for the two day trial- three were stuck in Indiana as the highway was shut down, which the judge and attorneys saw evidence of this being the case.  It wound up being herself and her attorney.  Her attorney allowed her to sit on the witness stand 5.5 hours on the first day and 1.5 hours the second day.  Her attorney brought no objections, no arguments and she was left to swim on her own and go toe to toe with an attorney that since 2000 had been representing opposing people to her.

It should be noted that Ramsey County 2007 case was opened in December 2000.  She had sole legal and physical custody until 2005 when the state changed the law to preference of joint custody.  Then two years of joint custody ensued.  Unfortunately, the father and her did not know the things their son was saying, was HIS truth, and a result of mental illness and not of her causing her son to say them. They now work together raising their 16 year old son, both recognize the work and effort it takes to care of his mental illness, and he is living full time with his mom.  This is not sounding like the same person listed in the website, is it?

She has never abused her children, but it is reported that this man is an actual child abuser with “alleged” evidence to support this claim- again this is not from this young lady, but another source involved in my information gathering.

He reports in the site she has been a mental patient.  This is a falsehood.  She went to Woodlyn Hills which was at the time she went, a behavioral treatment center.  It had nothing to do with having mental health issues.  She was there for a year.  She graduated the program.  There was no evaluation, just a report by her parents of what her problems were.  She ran away.  Her sister lied about her actions, and said it was this young lady, she would get defensive, and cry, and emotional- so the parents would believe the lying sister over the young lady.  She was 15 years old, she got out when she was 16 years old.  She was a CHILD.  She has never been arrested, does not have any type of record, was never charged with anything, never had a hospital stay for mental health ever.  This was all verified by my wonderful connections and sources on this case.  This place, during the time she stayed there identified behavioral issues, and used behavior modification techniques to change kids behavior and get them to make connections to their behaviors and consequences.  It was also verified this young lady had been abused and bullied in a number of ways in her family/ home life/ school- prior to running away and prompting this stay at Woodlyn Hills.  I dont know the details of who, when, or why of the abuse- just that it occurred and the state was involved and investigated. I found out after her stay here, due to her family “situation” she was granted an informal emancipation and was on her own following her stay at Woodlyn Hills.

The rest of what I uncovered is she endured hardship after hardship and made it through undergraduate school, most of her masters program and is almost done with that, and keeps finding a way even though the tunnel gets darker and darker.  She is tenacious.

I could not reach the person from the order for protection, and verify if he is the author of all the things following January 2014 confession- however, considering the evidence i saw, and the wording, tags, etc -It seems its all the same author. Besides, now, what he is doing is illegal and who wants to admit to a crime?!  I dont think that he is that courageous.  After all all the things I have seen are posted under her name, her former names, Ellen Ripley, anonymous, Marty Frank, and so forth.  He is a coward, hiding behind fake barriers.  Isnt that what abusers and bullies are anyway?  Cowards afraid of being put in the light for what they are doing wrong?  They dont want to be forced to look at their actions, and want to appear “good” while tarnishing the other person- until someone sees through their rouse.

I did find out one thing about him.  Since she left him in 2013, he has been through 5 different women or more.  He is also on his FOURTH attorney.  His actions, of not getting what he wants the first time- but is sure he will get what he wants in the end- demonstrate his frequent change of attorneys.  His escalating harassment and abuse of his victim.  Who, by the way, sat and cried when she found it for a few moments, and then went to action on reporting it, getting it off the internet, asking for more information, and has a plan to show up in person various places once the week starts for her.  She definitely is not taking the victim mentality on this one.

With someone trying so desperately to harm someone who is seemingly a “nobody” and such a horrible excuse for a person- why launch such a hefty, lengthy, time engaged campaign on the person- if they are THAT bad they will do themselves in!??!! So, I think its a matter of flipping the script.

What is my interest here on this topic?  Well for a number of years revenge porn and harassment using the internet, and largely untraceable forms of abuse (for those who are trained in IT can make it difficult to trace them) has been in the media.  It also seems crazy that at one point there were more than 52 “hits” on this woman online. She is not famous, not in the media, has no position of power- so why in the world would she have more than 52 hits on different sites all with the same tags and language- clearly done by a sick individual with a desire to make himself feel better, and her look bad- what is his angle, what does he hope to gain by this?

Anyway- be good to one another… xoxoxoxoxoxoxo read cautiously- never judge people… you never know what is underneath the surface.

Lucy In The Sky

I was cloud gazing today.  The sky is so vast and is so much a reflection of forms of light that I think of it almost like a blank canvas.  It started me thinking about all the trials I have been going through in my professional and personal life- and thinking about control.

I still have some defiance within me.  I surrender only so much and then I start “bucking” authority in my life (God).  I keep trying to control the direction of my life, and I, in reality have none.  No matter what choices I make, eventually  I will be led to the life I am meant to live.  Regardless of the detours and delays.

Back to the sky.  So much is unwritten.  The sky is so expansive that in one area it can be night, another twilight, another dawn, and another it can be day time.  What promise is there in the sky?  Infinite promise. The same creator that made that glorious sunset, and the stunning panorama laid before you in splendid perfection, is the same creator that made me.  HE gave us the same promise.

I know that this is a tad religious for some people, however, please, again, try to see it under your personal lens.  I can only describe it in mine, how you view my awe in what surrounds me, must come from you.  This is especially true if this will mean anything to you, if it will speak to your heart.

Having a blank and vast canvas above me allows me to put the events in my life under a different context.  Things are changing, things are being taken from me, restored to me, and this is due to choices combined with the guiding hand of my faith.  It also reminds me of the sky.  The sky is like my life, vast. Full of opportunity.  Full of promise.  Embedded with beauty.  Glorious and evidenced with life-  All reflections from above right onto us.

Amazing that the same promise and potential the sky holds, I hold as well.  My life can go in any number of directions at this moment.  I could follow so many wonderful gifts and possibilities …  It only becomes limited by my own narrow sightedness, and choices that get made which hold no other purpose than to block blessings and become lessons.

A lesson too is an opportunity.  Don’t allow yourself to be down and out. You are never out.  It is okay to feel down on some level… but recover and realize there is a purpose and path you are on.

Be good to yourselves and each other! xoxoxoxoxoxox

Ministry

So much in the recent past ministry has come into my life. Be it people attempting to minister to me or me to other people.

We tailor our ministry to the mind-sets of our listeners. Others do the same to us. With music, advertising, TV programs, movies, society norms, education, and the list goes on.

There is great resistance toward this word “ministry”. Indeed, that’s what is happening day in and day out. We are ministering and others are doing so to us. People associate the word with religious beliefs or pushing a type of doctrine. Only the second half is correct.

When children with special needs become absorbed in the “in between” world of reality and fantasy because they listen to a type of music, play a certain game, or the association between a style of clothing and themselves is made causing them to be the type (stereotypical) of person that wears the clothes… Those things are ministering to our youth. Especially the special needs children who get wrapped up and wait for the new video, song, outfit, or game to continue the fantasy that’s become their reality.

My point is not to bash the genres that press stereotypes or cause the special needs child or individual to reside un-firmly rooted to reality- but to demonstrate a point.

Ministry comes in all shapes and sizes. Some filter through it and don’t let it take root in our minds, hearts and souls. It doesn’t become a way of life for most of the population. It entertains.

There are those deeply impressionable who are indelibly marked by what is ministered to them.

This leaves me thinking about the ministry I am doing with those around me. What legacy am I leaving with others? Is the mark I’m making leaving someone undone and rooted to fantasy- or am I leaving the mark of kindness and love?

I try to be conscious of my audience and when moved to speak and act, tailor it so that deep connection and meaning is related. I think about audiences where this may go awry. Where people mistake kindness and Agape love as something more personal and binding.

Your motto, your attitude, your personal style, all of you ministers to someone…

What are they getting from you? What is your indelible mark?

Be good to one another! Xoxoxoxox

How Being Homeless Was the BEST Thing To Ever Happen To Me

So August 12th was a big day for me.  It meant my childhood home of nearly 40 years was completely gone from my life- forever.  I knew this was coming.  Just not so fast. See in 2013 I moved home to escape with my youngest child from an abusive relationship.  The abuse continued for two and a half more years in online forums and fake documents and things done in my name… but at least the physical part I was free of.

I started working, saving money and moved out. My parents were fighting a lot, my dad drinking toxic levels of hard liquor and my kids caught in the middle.  Resentment was building with my sister as she blamed me for being “displaced” because she a year before fled her own abusive relationship.  She moved in with her boyfriend and is still with him… yet blames me for having to leave. Which is really confusing- and sad for her guy because how does that make him feel?!  She felt that because I worked more than 60 hours a week and crashed in any bed or couch that was unoccupied and moved when I was told to move– was displacing her.  Actually, from my perspective, I was the one displaced. I just made lemonade out of my lemons.

Anyway, in late 2014 my dad left my mom unexpectedly and left much unpaid, and left her not making a sustainable income.  Not even enough to put gas in her gas tank, or food on her own table.  She was trying at first… I will say that.

So, she asked me to come back, I did. I paid for the last two years of bills. She made $3,000 per year each of the years I was there. Her mortgage alone was $900 per month. You tell me who was paying the bills?

She was told during the divorce by me that she may have to win the house free and clear and then sell it, and move to an apartment or something. She declined. She fought. She started becoming incredible dependent on me. It was a challenge and stressful on my spirit, my mental self, and emotionally.

So, she leaves the weekend prior to the 12th of August of 2016 to go to a wedding and party it up with her long time friend.  They were literally crib playmates as babies. Comes back on a Monday- which has left me missing a day of my internship (which was really, really bad)- as she agreed that she would help me out every other week by watching my youngest child who is 8 years old, so I can do my internship and work.

She does not show up, and comes back Monday late in the night, then tells me: By the way, we have to be out of the house Friday by 3 pm.  That is when I am closing on the house….

Much like the way she starts any conversation- in the middle, with no pretense or context to the subject- simply in the middle of a thought or story… and I am expected to just know what the HELL is being said. I dont speak “Wendy”.  I speak many things… just not her random and flighted thoughts. So I seek to clarify and get yelled at.  Bullied, and then send an email off to my internship and work saying I can not be in the rest of the week.  Of course, this is a sure recipe for disaster and a good firing is in order as a result… but I have NO choice. We have 40 years worth of stuff to get out, or the buyers own what is there. I wanted all my stuff. I needed it for my new accommodations- where ever that might be- which is something else I had to sort out in three days.

So, we started making headway on the house, and she drops a couch on my arm. A tiny hairline fracture on the top of my bone the size of the tip of my pinky had me in such pain. My pseudo brother-in-law came to “help” and looked at me as if I was just the laziest person alive.

I was so ill by Friday I got over heated and some heat sickness… I could not see straight, saw spots, and had to keep taking cold showers to cool my body down. I was lucky to have friends who didnt want me to sleep in my car, and glad that my kids left Friday with their dad.  So I got a hotel for the weekend. Spent Monday in my car.  The rest of the time in hotels, except couch hopping for a couple nights on a couple occasions… lucky I have people who cared enough to help. I have two sisters, a dad and a mom… none did what people who I call friends and family (although not related) did for me. What a shame.  I was displaced. Unexpectedly.  I go out of my way to help them. To the point of my detriment. Yet, they cant get over their hangups long enough to help me temporarily.

I had found an apartment.  I was to be in it Friday the 19th.  It was not ready.  Then I was to be in it Wednesday the 24th.  It was not ready.  Now I am told at the latest Wednesday the 31st.  I am praying for Monday- tomorrow- for it to be ready.  Every biological person in my life is silent until they need something. What a crying shame.

I have had to travel to places I am unfamiliar with, anxiety provoking for me.  I have slept in my car with my dog, ate dollar store food, washed up in bathrooms, and while I couch hopped- I had to leave during the day, and instead of the person simply saying when to come back- I had to ask.

I have learned a confidence in myself I did not know existed.  I have learned a resourcefulness I knew lay within but never tapped into.  I have grown in ways, and learned how to cut people loose from my life that really have no meaning, place, or deserve to be a part of it.  I have learned who my real family and friends are.  I have learned that I can survive anything and while it sucks, is not easy, and I dont want to do things this way- I CAN do this.  I am not really homeless, as I have a lease and paid for my place. I am however, transient.  I have found peace, my kids are happier with my transient situation than they were in the home with my mom.  I have found courage when I thought I could not muster any.  I have found myself in many ways, a person I had lost “doing” for others.  I have gained a new job, new internship site, new faith in self, and only have grown spiritually.  I am thankful.  I am deeply moved by the kindness of others in my life. It holds so much meaning to me that people would go out of their way for me like they have.

My family, the biological people I was given… I was given them for a reason.  They will never know what reason I was brought to them as they are left stricken deaf, dumb, and blind. I will care from a distance from now on and remain with those who truly love me.

Be good to one another… xoxoxoxox

Wandering the Desert

Well hello my lovelies!!! I have been absent working an internship, job, raising kids and so on.  Recently, my attention turned to vacating my home of the last two years in a record three days. This was planned, but not planned for the time frame that it actually wound up being.  The plan was to move much later and begin to clear out the house (with 40 years of my mother’s belongings and hoarding) and move closer to the end of the month.  This did not happen.  Short notice came and she wound up closing on her home MUCH sooner than anticipated and I had three days to move my stuff and hers.  After her dropping a couch on my arm, I really was not too much help.  I mustered everything I could in the final push the last day of moving and used my injured arm to get things out.

Now I wander the desert like a nomad.  No more keys to hold that fit a door which I can call home.  I had to leave so much of my belongings, and a ton more of my mother’s in the house- to be disposed of by the investors who bought her house.

This started a couple years ago when I moved in to help her when she was having a major depression episode and breaking down.  She was not able to function and I left my apartment to help her.  Now, I wish I hadn’t left it.  While she cavorts with her friends in their home, I am displaced. Lucky for me my children are shared with their father- so this happens to be a week I do not have them.

Left now to wander the desert.  I have lessons to learn. I have growing to do.  I have to learn to trust myself again. After I was assaulted, and lost my job late last year, I stopped trusting myself. I got scared easy.  I wandered away from myself and my faith.  So now, like God did with the Exodus from Egypt, I must be in the desert too.

I have to trust HIM as well.

Am I sad that my childhood home is now gone?  Yes. I will never come home to another Thanksgiving, Christmas, or Easter there again. Many things that were left behind are now gone.  I will never have them back. Things that meant something to me. Things that because the home was not mine were still packed up tight. Waiting for me to leave again.  It was never the right time to leave.  She was in constant peril.  Constant crisis.  Constant stress.  Even now she is unhinged.  I feel a peace, while I worry about finances, and getting into my apartment if she does not come up with the money to re-pay me a little of what I have done… I shall be forced to wander even longer.

Outside of this event, my crisis is over. My constant lamenting over what guilt is laid upon me in regards to her is gone.  I am free.  But, again, I am free to wander.  To figure out what I have been avoiding. What am I afraid to face?  What is it that I don’t want to find in myself?  Failure.  I am afraid to fail. I want to succeed so badly.  I want to prove anyone, everyone, someone- perhaps my “family” that I am worth far more than they could have imagined and they should never have treated me like their whipping stone. YIKES!  I am apparently running from myself because I don’t want to allow myself the humanity of imperfection- even though I am perfectly imperfect.

The desert needs a companion.  Desolate, dry, hot, lonely- it wants to claim a companion.  I have to keep moving through the sand, heat, and loneliness to get to my destination.  Where I belong.  I have a created family.  I have one that is hand picked from tried and true alliances that have been with me through it all.

If I died in the desert would anyone in my “family” care?  Nope.  They know I am out here in the desert.  They cared when they needed to care.  Now, as usual they are about themselves.  Only messaging me when they want or need something.  Not to see if I am okay.  Not to show concern about where I might be, if I am eating, or if I am safe.  All about them. Lesson learned.

I am waiting on my mother to receive her money.  I am supposed to get some money from her so that I can get into my apartment earlier than the 1st. Also, I have bills to pay with this and Id like to get gas in my car, food in my belly, and have someplace to sleep.

I know the Lord will make a way when there is none.  Sometimes I wish the lessons I have to learn weren’t so harsh. Ijs.

I have people, especially a someone, who cares deeply for me.  I need to stop running from them too.  Stop being afraid to surrender.  Surrendering is hard.  It means giving up your control.  I have walked through life tortured by people who were supposed to love me, supposed to have my best interests at heart, supposed to care- so I needed the control.  I gave up my control to the wrong people.  People I should have been able to trust with that control, but, I was wrong.  Now I am wrong for struggling with this.

I am actively seeking peace.  Actively making my own way.  Actively going to block people from my life and going to actively surrender my control.

The desert is not exactly a friendly place, but you do learn a lot here. I will try not to linger and keep moving through the desert instead of remaining here.  I dont want to spend 40 years here.

Love you my readers, love each other, be good to one another! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox